


Seiryuu Sadness

by Kairyn



Category: Akatsuki no Yona | Yona of the Dawn
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Meant To Be Fluffy but Failed, Papa Ao, Pre-Canon, Sad, Seiryuu Sadness, Shin-Ah Is Too Precious, it should so be a tag, this gets dark in places
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-20 19:47:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18999310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kairyn/pseuds/Kairyn
Summary: Ao's thoughts and struggles with a new dragon in his care. He meant to do so much better...





	Seiryuu Sadness

**Author's Note:**

> So I got to wondering why Ao never named Shin-Ah... I mean... Ao was named (well sort of. His name _is_ blue after all) so this came out. And then a few other dark moments popped in and well... *shoves sometimes sad one shot at you all and runs away* 
> 
> It was meant to be fluffy I swear!

Ao stared down at the newborn that had been dropped off just an hour before by the village elders with his arms crossed over his chest and frown on his face. The kid already had a mask on -Ao hadn't really expected anything less- so it wasn't immediately clear without using his own cursed eyes if the kid was awake or asleep. Ao's frown deepened, and he reached out to gently poke the newborn's round soft belly with one finger. The baby barely let out any noise at all at the prodding but did wave one small fist around and kick chubby little legs uselessly.

"Hmph," Ao grunted and pulled his hand back to tuck back against his chest. What did one do with a baby anyway? Ao had never been around them. Never been around anyone really. With the exception of the Seiryuu before himself, of course. Sei, as he'd been called, hadn't been exactly friendly himself and Ao had ended up having more of a relationship with his sword than his predecessor. That also might have had something to do with Sei having to drink constantly to fight the pain from old wounds he'd gotten defending the village, but Ao couldn't be sure.

Ao continued to stare down at the baby he'd been saddled with entirely unsure of what to do. He should have probably prepared better for this. Ao knew that the villagers would dump the next Seiryuu on him just like they had dumped him onto Sei -who'd been equally unfamiliar with kids, Ao was sure. Ao looked off to the side of his hut and through the walls to the village off a little way. Far enough that they felt safe from the curse but close enough that the Seiryuus could protect them still. Ao searched the village a moment until he spotted a young mother who was cuddling her child -just a few weeks older than the newborn in front of Ao- and rocking the crying infant soothingly. She must be so glad that her baby wasn't cursed, Ao thought uncharitably.

With a sigh, Ao blinked away his sight and looked back at the baby. So... it was supposed to cry like that other baby... right? Did that mean it was dead if it wasn't? Or did they only cry when they were upset? Ao's scowl felt permanent at this point as he realized there wasn't much for it. He'd have to pick the kid up and look at him at some point.

Ao awkwardly shifted his hands under the still very quiet baby and shuffled it around as carefully as he could when he was utterly unfamiliar with the size and shape of an infant. Usually, little creatures this size he killed and ate. Ao managed to mimic the young mother's hold fairly decently he thought and almost instantly, the baby let out a little coo and curled against Ao's chest.

Ao sighed. "Kid, I'm not much of a hugger," he said even though he was well aware a baby couldn't understand him. Predictably the baby just snuffled into his robe, and Ao felt a tiny fist grab onto his long blue hair. "... you're going to be a pain, aren't you, kid?"

He didn't even know how to feed a baby or change one. Or... _anything_ relating to them at all. Ao would have to learn quickly, though if he was going to be responsible for him. Ao wondered, briefly, what the village would do if he just... refused to look after the new Seiryuu. He discarded the idea almost immediately because what if they also didn't? And then that left a baby to starve to death? Ao might be heartless, but he wasn't going to risk that happening.

After a little while, Ao felt the tight grip in his hair loosen, and he shifted the baby away from his chest to lay down on the furs he used as a bed instead. No sooner had he put the baby down than he heard a little snuffling noise and the infant squirmed. Ao frowned. What had he done wrong? Put the thing down too hard? Did it not like the furs? Was it even awake?

Ao hesitated at that last question and slowly reached out to the small mask over the new Seiryuu's face. Unlike the stupid villagers, he knew perfectly well that the baby wasn't dangerous yet. Ao still had almost all of his curse. Still, Ao paused longer than necessary with his hand holding the small mask.

Finally, though, he lifted the wood away and revealed the baby's face. He had to admit he was startled to see the golden eyes staring up at him. Ao couldn't recall his predecessor's eyes and he'd only just been allowed to remove his mask now that a new Seiryuu was born. Even still, Ao didn't make a habit of looking into reflections in water to see what his eyes looked like. He was honestly a bit caught off guard by the intensity of the baby's gaze. So clear and focused already. The red marks on his cheeks stood out against his pale skin and the fire that Ao used to cook seemed to reflect in the depths of the baby's eyes that were far too _old_ to be in his soft baby's face.

Ao felt something in him wrench and pursed his lips together tightly. It was so odd seeing those cursed eyes on a baby. Oddly, Ao felt as if there was some... loss that he couldn't explain. Like his chance at something was gone, although what that chance could possibly be he had no idea. But the feeling was unpleasant. "... sorry, kid. You were dealt a bum hand," Ao said as he put the mask back on his face. He wouldn't take it off again unless there was some need to do so.

The baby, Ao soon discovered, really was frighteningly quiet. Ao easily forgot he was even there at least a few times a day. From watching that young mother and her baby, Ao knew it wasn't normal. But none of the villagers would care if the kid wasn't entirely healthy or not quite right. So, Ao tried his best to just pay closer attention to when the kid needed something and not worry. Because the one time the baby _had_ started crying had been utterly heartbreaking even to Ao's stony heart. It hadn't even been all that loud. Just... sad. It pulled at Ao, and he hadn't been able to let it continue for more than a moment.

Of course, Ao still had no idea what he was doing. He had to learn the same way he'd learned everything. By watching the ordinary people in the village. He'd been doing it his whole life though he'd tried to stop a long time ago. Ao hated seeing what he could never have, but if he didn't watch them, he'd be _entirely_ alone. Well, not anymore, he thought as he glanced over at the baby snuggled up to a rabbit fur. But the kid wasn't exactly stimulating conversation yet. Ao sighed and reached up to scratch at the back of his head. He should probably name the kid since that woman -Ao refused to call her a mother- hadn't bothered to before killing herself.

Ao didn't know who'd named him. He assumed his mother, but he didn't know for sure. Ao looked over at the baby again. The boy was already a week old, and Ao was still resorting to calling him 'kid' if anything. Ao was terrible at names, though. It wasn't as if he'd ever had to name anything before.

In a way, it should be simple. For generations, upon generations, all the Seiryuus had just been called something relating to blue or dragon or something that _was_ blue. Ao was pretty sure that the Seiryuu before Sei had been called Buryu, but he'd only heard the name of that Seiryuu once so he might be remembering wrong. So, Ao should just call the kid something like that. Easy. But...

Ao frowned as he watched the far too agreeable baby sleep peacefully in his hovel. Naming the kid 'blue' or something similar seemed... wrong. Ao couldn't really explain it, but he didn't want the kid to be like him and be continuously reminded of what he was by his name too. No. Ao wanted him to have a real name. Not just the lazy placeholder names that Ao and the predecessors had. Ao supposed, at some point, there had been Seiryuu that had been given real names, but Ao doubted it was any within memory. So, Ao would try to think up something suitable. If only he weren't so bad at it.

Seiryuu grew from a far too quiet baby into an equally non-fussy toddler, and still, Ao couldn't think up a good name. He'd gone through a lot in his mind, but the problem with all of them was that they were just names he'd heard in the village when he went to trade for milk or clothes for the kid. So, they were already taken and didn't seem to suit the kid, anyway.

Ao had his hands full with keeping the village safe and making sure Seiryuu didn't stumble into the open fire that they cooked over, and soon the issue of names fell to the back of Ao's mind. He just didn't have time between everything else he had to do. He hadn't realized how long he'd been putting off giving the kid a name until he went to call him back from where he was toddling off and had no name besides Seiryuu to use. Ao hadn't liked that and resolved to try and think up something before he had to start really talking to the kid.

Unfortunately, more and more people kept coming too close to the village and Ao had to put it off. He couldn't even really take time to teach the kid much beyond the basics. Perhaps that was why Seiryuu had taken so long to learn how to talk and still so rarely did so. But, considering how quiet he was as a baby too, Ao thought that maybe he was just naturally that way. That didn't entirely help alleviate Ao's guilt, and he tried to do better, but Ao wasn't well educated either and could only do so much.

Ao was bitter about that and plenty else. He resented pretty much everything in his life. He didn't want Seiryuu to be one of those things he was bitter about, but it was hard not to be. On the one hand, Ao was going blind because Seiryuu was around and he'd eventually die. That was pretty hard to not have negative feelings about. But on the other hand, Ao wasn't particularly attached to his life. Never had been. What exactly did he have to even live _for_?

_And then Seiryuu would come running up to him with such a damned happy smile on under his mask about something so stupidly simple he'd seen with his ever-increasing vision. Like the moon or something... and it wasn't like the kid could tell anyone else..._

Fate was indeed the cruelest thing in the world, Ao decided as Seiryuu got bigger. Ao had watched the village for years and seen quite a few children grow up and so he could easily say that Seiryuu was the gentlest, sweetest kid that ever existed. He wanted so little and never once complained about living in a hut or having to always wear his mask or any of the other things that Ao resented and things he had complained about to Sei plenty when he was Seiryuu's age. Ao could not have asked for an easier kid to try and raise. And he was cursed.

Ao sat up at night and with his sword propping his hands and chin up as he watched the kid sleep contentedly in the cast-off clothes the village granted them and the pitiful squalor of their hut that they were allowed to be in like hermits on the edges of the town. This wasn't fair. The kid didn't deserve this. No kid deserved this. Ao tightened his hand on the hilt of his sword. It would be better, he thought, to make sure it never happened. The village already thought he was a monster and it would spare someone so gentle from turning into one himself. Ao shouldn't let it happen.

Ao got up from where he was sitting and went to where the kid was sleeping entirely oblivious and far too trusting. The moonlight streaming into their hut through the window seemed to make the kid glow as if he was already a ghost. Ao closed his eyes tightly. It would be merciful. So much better than having to turn into this. But, Ao couldn't. He just couldn't. "Ao..?"

Ao opened his eyes and looked down to see Seiryuu rubbing one eye while fumbling with his mask. He should have spared the kid, Ao thought as he watched the boy slide the wood back in place. "Go back to sleep, Seiryuu," Ao said as he turned to go back to his own bed. "It's late."

Seiryuu was confused but didn't ask any questions. Ao still wondered if he'd done the right thing. He didn't want the kid to live under the curse of the dragon, but Ao also knew that the curse clung to their village and even if he spared this one... another kid would just be born with the same damn eyes. No, Ao would just have to raise him as best he could and hope it was enough...

Ao hated himself for telling the kid he wasn't going to be able to make any friends, but he couldn't let Seiryuu keep trying when he knew it was futile. Ao wished that it wasn't true, but it was. Ao certainly had never had a friend, and he'd accepted that, but Seiryuu just didn't seem to be able to. No matter how blunt Ao was, Seiryuu kept looking for some way to make the villagers like him. As if there was some grand secret that he could do that would make it better. Something that would make them not cursed.

Ao wanted to scream about how damn unfair it was. Why did the kid want the one thing he could never have? So, scream, he did. More than he should have... and at Seiryuu. He felt terrible about that after, but he couldn't take back the truth even if hindsight said he should have phrased it differently. Or not screamed it in the kid's face.

It was just so frustrating. Ao could tell he didn't have much time left. Sei had lasted until Ao was almost eight before he died. Seiryuu was only four. Ao wanted to hold out at least a little longer. The kid would be alone once Ao was gone after all and then what was he going to do? Make friends? Ao snorted at the very thought of it. It wouldn't happen. Ao had no idea how that hopelessly gentle kid was going to survive on his own. So, Ao grasped at what bits of his power that he could even though he was so tired of being on this world and being the unwanted protector of the village. Surely, if fate was going to curse the kid to a short, lonely life, it could grant Ao a little more time to keep the kid from having to face the full weight of it alone?

Ao tried to hold on, but every day it was like trying to grip water. More and more slipped away, and his vision was cloudy and blurred up until just a few inches from his face. And getting worse. In the dark he was practically useless and if he'd ever been able to read he wouldn't have now from how the characters would have looked like indistinct blobs. Ao doubted he would last to Seiryuu's next birthday despite his efforts.

He was reminded yet again that he had never even given the kid a name. He really should. Ao would have to put more effort in and try to come up with something before he died. It wasn't exactly much, but maybe it would give the kid _something_ more than a curse to hold on to. Ao stayed up late at night trying to come up with a name that was suitable, and still, nothing came to him.

When he collapsed to the ground some days later with the sound of bells in his ears and tears in his sightless eyes not managing to think up a name was just one of many regrets that he had. He should have done so much better...


End file.
